FK Reflections
by Mel1592
Summary: Nick and Nat reflect on each other-part 2 to follow shortly
1. Default Chapter

Title: Reflections Author: Mel Rating: G Teaser: Nick and Nat's thoughts about each other Spoilers: Only the Lonely, minors for various Feedback: Feed me, feed me, I'm thirsty! Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just love 'em. I take them out of the toybox, play with 'em for a while, then return them unharmed for someone else. Nor do I make any claims on the song, "Now that I've found you" which belongs to Michael Bolton.  
  
Notes: This is part of a pair of companion fics. They're a couple of short pieces from the POV of Nick and Natalie. Please be nice to me as I haven't seen all of the episodes yet. I'm aware of Nick's promise in Last Knight, (er..Last Night? Which is it?) but am setting this sometime early third season.  
  
I can still remember  
  
when all I had was time  
  
A time when I had nothing  
  
But this empty heart of mine When I needed inspiration When the night was all I knew You were the light shining into my life The reason for all the love I'm feeling -Now that I've found you, Michael Bolton  
  
The relationship that Nat and I share is a very special and unique one. It might be called once-in-a-lifetime, but I think it's even rarer than that. I've been to a lot of places in my 800 years and known-and fallen in love with- quite a few mortal women, but none of them had the rare combination of qualities that Natalie does. Nor has any other mortal had such a deep impact on my life and my heart-or at least, what's left of it.  
  
I've never fully understood what makes her different, but she's not like other mortals. Instead of fearing me, she seeks to understand who and what I am and to try and help this evil, 800-year-old supernatural being become human again. She's willing to like me, even love me, for who I am She doesn't see the blood-hungry monster, she sees the man trapped underneath it. She looks past my fearsome exterior to what's inside.  
  
She shows no fear of me even in times like that 12-step program, when the beast inside me took over and I could easily have hurt or killed her. I know that at least some fear is there, which is natural, but she simply refuses to let it control her actions. She's not afraid to face the savage monster and try to reason with it, to bring it back to rational thinking before anyone gets hurt. I'm always amazed that she's willing to so completely trust someone like me who, if he wanted to, could take her very life, but she knows she has no reason to fear me.  
  
Natalie's a very complex person. She's assertive and self-confident, never letting anyone push her around and always ready to defend her point of view. I'll never forget the look of defiance in her eyes when she stood up to me at the Raven that night I came so close to re-vamping myself, or when she refused to be pushed around by that district attorney and the dishonest regional M.E. when her niece was killed.  
  
She has an insatiable curiosity, which is what compelled her to try and help me even though she wouldn't get anything out of it for herself. And despite all our failures, she's determined to keep going, to keep searching. Once she's decided to do something, she rarely backs down, and changing her mind can be nearly impossible at times.  
  
She often doesn't make a big deal of being really feminine or ladylike, and isn't the type of woman who wants to be coddled and babied, but she does have a softer, more romantic side. She tends to keep it hidden most of the time, and I see it surface in small ways rather than big, obvious ones: The way I catch her looking at me once in a while, when I turn my head to look at her just in time to see her look away and act as though she weren't watching me, the small gifts, like that pillbox, that she sometimes gives me, the occasional touches and kisses we share, and the way she acts when were sitting at my loft, watching a movie or just enjoying the fireplace. She sits close, leaning her body against mine and lightly resting her face against mine or laying her head on my shoulder. We sit quietly, simply enjoying being together. It only lasts a few minutes, but to me it seems like hours.  
  
I told LaCroix that I didn't love her, but deep inside, I know that's not true. I've never told her, and she's never asked, but I do love her and think that she senses it. I like to think that she feels the same way. Still, we can't act on it. I can't bear the thought of losing myself and taking her, or of LaCroix taking her to fulfill that promise. The easy answer would be to bring her across, but I will not deprive her of the life she loves so much and condemn her to a life of darkness because of some selfish desire to have her for myself.  
  
I didn't realize how much I cared for her until she was almost taken from me by that Jamison creep. I had a feeling that something wasn't right about him, but didn't know what it was, much less how to tell her. Call it gut feeling, heightened vampire instincts, one of what Schenke calls may 'famous hunches'.I sensed something, but she wouldn't have believed me if I'd told her.  
  
But that doesn't entirely explain my actions. I shouldn't have gotten jealous the way I did. I had no right to think I could make an exclusive claim to her affections, and I shouldn't have let it get me so angry. I tried to control myself, but seeing him kiss her like that made me snap. I felt terrible about it afterward, and tried to apologize, but only made her angrier. She blinded herself to my worrying about her, dismissing it as jealousy. I can't help wondering if what happened still would have taken place had I not made her so angry. He would still have probably attacked her eventually, but perhaps I could have stopped him sooner than I did.  
  
I'm just glad I was able to get there as soon as I did. For once, being a vampire was a very fortunate thing. Had I not been able to fly and crash through that window unharmed, I would never have gotten to her in time. I wanted to let the animal inside of me loose and simply tear him apart, and it took everything I had to keep from doing it. I've never seen Nat so frightened and so shaken before. It made me realize just how fragile, how vulnerable, how mortal she was. The backups took a few minutes to arrive, and I held her the entire time, rocking her, talking to her, and doing everything I could to soothe and comfort her.  
  
There have only been two other times that I've seen her so vulnerable and frightened. One was when her brother died and the other was when her niece was murdered. It still amazes me that she was able to find the strength to keep going through things like this that probably would have broken a lesser person. I did what I could to help her through, even if it was just being a caring, sympathetic listener. She's told me that she doesn't think she'd have come through those times as well as she did had I not been there. In the same way, I don't think I could have made it through the extremely rough time after Schenke's death in that plane crash. It was Nat who brought me back to my senses and made me realize what a mistake moving on would be.  
  
I often wonder what our future holds. Nothing would make me happier than to find my mortality again and to make a life with her. I want more than anything to be able to love her and let her love me without fear. The thought is always there in my mind that if I don't become mortal, I will have to move on, but the thought of leaving her is one I don't want to entertain. I care for her too much to taint her with the evil that taints me, and to sentence her to eternal darkness by bringing her over. If it must be, I will content myself with spending as much time as possible with her and letting her go when the time comes. But I hope with all my heart that I will not have to let her go, that we will somehow find the way to bring light back into my world. Whatever happens, I will always be grateful for the light she herself has already brought into my life.  
  
I could have searched forever  
  
And never realized The treasure of a lifetime Was the love inside your eyes When I reach for inspiration In your touch, it's always there Giving me faith every step of the way Giving me all I've ever needed  
  
Now that I've found you I don't know how I lived without you I don't know how I survived without your love Now that I've found you, I only know I'd be lost without you I found the love That I'll never find again 'Cause all I've ever needed And all I ever wanted Has come true I found it all now that I've found you  
  
  
  
Questions, comments, flames and wooden stakes can be sent to fraserfanatic@hotmail.com or sgt_buck_frobisher@yahoo.com 


	2. 2 Natalie

Title: Reflections Author: Mel Rating: G Teaser: Nick and Nat's thoughts about each other Spoilers: Only the Lonely, minors for various Feedback: Feed me, feed me, I'm thirsty! Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just love 'em. I take them out of the toybox, play with 'em for a while, then return them unharmed for someone else. I don't make any claims on the ownership of the Disney song either.  
  
Notes: This is part of a pair of companion fics. They're a couple of short pieces from the POV of Nick and Natalie. Please be nice to me as I haven't seen all of the episodes yet. I'm aware of Nick's promise in Last Knight, (er..Last Night? Which is it?) but am setting this sometime early third season.  
  
In a perfect world, one we've never known  
  
We would never need to face the world alone They can have their world, we'll create our own I may not be brave or strong or smart But somewhere in my secret heart I know Love will find a way Anywhere I go, I'm home if you are there beside me Like dark turning into day Somehow we'll come through now that I've found you Love will find a way "Love Will Find a Way" from Lion King 2  
  
2. Natalie  
  
He was supposed to be just another body, just one more in the endless line of corpses that cross my table day in and day out. Or should I say, night in and night out. Do the autopsy, fill out the report, move on to the next body-that's the way it's been ever since I started this job.  
  
A person reviving after being declared dead isn't unheard of, but it's not exactly common either. It's one of those things that always happens to other people. And when it does happen, the corpse isn't supposed to get up off the table and start speaking.  
  
After I convinced myself that this wasn't someone's idea of a sick joke, and that Nick was really a vampire, I was terrified of him. I was sure that he was going to turn me into one, or drain me and kill me. He tried to make me forget, but I'm one of those people who can't be hypnotized. As I got to know him, I felt the fear being replaced by curiosity and a desire to understand who and what he was.  
  
I don't know what it was that made me want to help him. Maybe it was like I told him, that solving a puzzle is a reward in itself. Or maybe I just thought I could make a difference in someone's life after working with dead people for so long. Whatever the reason, I have never regretted getting involved. To be sure, we've had our arguments and gotten angry with each other, and we've had a lot of frustrations and setbacks, but I've never considered giving up the fight.  
  
Even now, Nick is still very much a mystery to me. I often look at him wondering what's going on inside that mind. I've discovered a lot about him, but there are times when I feel he's just as mysterious as when we first met. Every time I think I've seen all of his different sides, he reveals yet another facet of himself that I never knew was there.  
  
He's a conflict of natures, a vampire, a killer, working as a police officer. He devotes his life to helping people, catching killers, and saving lives. He can be very kind and caring when he wants to and has an affectionate side. Yet, I know that he's so good at being a cop and has such a good knowledge of the killers he tracks because he, too, is a killer. Just underneath the surface is the terrifying monster that's capable of so much violence and bloodshed. The same arms that I feel so safe and protected in can easily snap a mortal's neck like a twig or tear a metal safe door from its hinges like it was paper. The hands that touch me so tenderly and lovingly have enough power to crush bone and maybe even bend steel. This same man who can be so charming and gentlemanly can rip a man's throat out and drain every drop of blood from his body with almost no effort at all. He always has to fight to keep the monster inside him under control. His entire life is one big internal-and eternal-struggle, a struggle I want to help him overcome. He's always being pulled between the world he wants to leave and the world he wants to be a part of again. He has darkness in him, but also a lot of light as well.  
  
I've gotten to where I trust him almost completely. It's impossible not to have some small bit of fear somewhere in the back of my mind, but I know that he would never harm me if he were thinking rationally. I can only recall being truly afraid of him once besides when we first met. That was when he let his sponsor in the 12-step program push him over the edge. I could see the rage burning in his eyes and knew that there was no way of knowing what he was capable of while in this uncontrolled fury. I realized that he could drain my dry or snap my neck without even trying, but I was determined to face him. Inside, I was scared to death of him, but I knew that I couldn't let myself be afraid and simply refused to allow myself to be intimidated, even when he shook me. I didn't know if I could get him to listen to me or not, but I knew that I had to try to reason with him and convince him that he was making a mistake. Even then, he kept his strength in check. He did grab me and shake me, but he never tried to do anything that would seriously hurt or kill me. He regretted his actions later and apologized for coming so close to harming me.  
  
I wouldn't be alive if Nick hadn't saved me from that Jamison guy. I let myself get angry at him because he was butting in and I knew that he was jealous. I guess I had a right to be angry, but I had a hard time bringing myself to accept his apology, because I kept telling myself that he was just jealous. I had no way of knowing what Roger really was but it still hurts to think of what could have happened. I know now that, although the jealousy was a big part of it, Nick was also concerned for my safety. I was never so frightened in my life or so happy to see him as I was then. It's times like that, when he shows his gentle, caring side, that I forget he's a vampire. I just see it with being with a close, caring friend who's concerned for my well being. I feel safe and protected in his arms, feel that no one or nothing can hurt me as long as he's holding me.  
  
There have been several times these past few years that I don't think I'd have gotten through without Nick. When my brother died and then later, when my niece, my Goddaughter, were killed, I was an emotional wreck. Just having someone there for me was really a big help. Besides being a sympathetic listener and a shoulder to cry on, he gave me a lot of encouragement and support during those times. When that plane crashed, we helped each other through. Seeing all that death, not to mention knowing that two people I had contact with almost every day died on that plane, was difficult even for someone in my line of work. Nick was just as shaken up with not only losing two of his coworkers and friends, but knowing that the bomber was still out there and would kill again. I'll never forget coming out of that holding area and breaking down in Nick's arms. He gave me the strength to go on with my job, and I helped him find the courage to face his guilt instead of running away.  
  
I've never been one to show a lot of public affection, but I enjoy the spontaneous little things Nick does. I like the little touches and kisses he gives me unexpectedly, even though I always flinch when his cold skin touches mine, the way we sit leaning against each other and just enjoy being close together while we're watching movies, and the occasional little gifts he surprises me with. I like the way he makes me feel, and the way I feel when I'm gazing into those eyes. I don't see a monster, a killer in them, I see a good man who's desperately trying to better his life and escape his past. I see a troubled person with an as yet incurable disease who's a victim of his nature and urges. He thinks I've forgotten the things he told me and the way he kissed me on Valentine's day, but I haven't. I'd like more than anything to be able to love him without fear, and to be able to spend the rest of my life with him, and I think he feels the same things though he's never said them. I don't know if that can ever happen, though, and neither does he.  
  
I sometimes wonder how long he can keep his control for, how long he can keep suppressing his urges. The temptation is always there and we both know it. That's why he's afraid to love me too much. He cares for me too much to see me hurt because he forgot himself. Maybe, at the same time, I'm afraid to love him too much because I'm afraid he'll be gone one day and I'll never see him again or that he'll forget himself and kill me instead of bringing me over. But I'm not sure I'd even try to stop him if he tried to bring me over. I'm not afraid of living in darkness as long as he's there to share it with me. I know there's a cure out there somewhere and I'm determined to find it somehow.  
  
Nick and I have come a long way toward making him human. He does a reasonably good job controlling his anger most of the time. He's done great on overcoming his cross and garlic phobias, and is working on his sunlight tolerance. The one big problem is getting food into him. He's always complaining about the taste of my protein shakes and has a problem resisting the blood craving when it hits. I sometimes have to beg and plead him to coax him into eating some real nourishment. Of course, then it's a problem of just keeping the food down. It often seems that even when he does eat something, his body rejects it and he can't keep from bringing it back up. He's had some success with things like raw hamburger, though.  
  
It often seems like we take two steps forward and one step back. The blood craving is probably the major backsliding problem, but there are other things too. Like his habit of throwing out the rules when a case involves someone or something from his past and the way he wants to try to solve a case his way even when it leaves Internal Affairs wondering just how he's doing it. He also has a real problem with guilt. He blames himself for things entirely too often, even when he couldn't have done anything differently. And when things start getting rough and the guilt gets too much, he thinks about moving on. He doesn't realize that if he becomes mortal, he can't just run away when things get rough.  
  
After Schanke died, he would have left if I hadn't managed to convince him not to. At the time, I wasn't sure if I could forgive him for trying to run off without telling me. I wondered how we could work so hard and go through everything we've been through only to have it end like that. I also couldn't help feeling betrayed. We weren't really romantically involved, even though I wanted it to seem that way sometimes, but it still made me feel hurt and angry that he could say he cared for me and then run out on me. I tried to keep reminding myself that we were just friends, but the same thoughts kept coming back. My mind said that I didn't love him, at least that way, but my heart said I did.  
  
It's the thought of losing him that scares me. I know that he will have to move on eventually if he doesn't become mortal, but I don't want to say good bye to him. Maybe I'm afraid of how alone I'll feel or maybe it's because I know that I'll never find anyone else quite like him. It just doesn't seem fair to have found him and had him impact my life so much and then have to lose him. If the time he has to move on ever comes, I'd like to hope that I'll be able to go with him somehow. But hopefully, he won't have to move on. Hopefully we'll be able to find the cure for his condition, and I never will have to say good bye to him.  
  
I believe that one day we will finally succeed in bringing back light to Nick's world, and then we will be able to have the relationship we want and not be afraid that something will tear us apart. If he can't become mortal, I wouldn't be afraid to spend forever with him as a vampire. Or maybe our destiny is to spend eternity together in another life. I don't know what it was that brought us together, but it's obvious to me that we were meant to be part of each other's lives, and it's my hope that we'll be able to always remain a part of each other's lives. I hold on to the hope that eventually, love, patience and hard work will help Nick find a way to overcome his darkness  
  
I was so afraid, now I realize  
  
Love is never wrong and so it never dies There's a perfect world shining in your eyes And if only they could feel it too The happiness I feel with you They'd know Love will find a way Anywhere we go, we're home if we are there together Like dark turning into day Somehow we'll come through now that I've found you Love will find a way I know love will find a way "Love Will Find a Way" from Lion King 2  
  
Questions, comments, flames and wooden stakes may be sent to either fraserfanatic@hotmail.com or sgt_buck_frobisher@yahoo.com 


End file.
